Never.

When Clau left for college he gave me his notebook. I ran into him one year later. He hadn't changed. That scared me.

"13Nov09
I'm dying I'm dying I'm dead"

"27thDec09
Where is this sun you speak of?  I'm all alone down here. I can hear the echo of my own breathing. I want a hand to hold. I want a face to look at. I want a smoke from someone else's lungs.  The tunnels never end. I call out her name but there is no sound. As if I've forgotten it all along.  And then I wake up . It's 3A.M. I feel demon's eyes staring at me from the void. I fall asleep praying that I don't die beforehand."

"2Ian10
I started jumping buildings today. I don't look down. I miss things I had no idea existed."

"27Ian10
Staring at her is like spitting into time's face. I just slow down. I hit the breaks. And my soul crashes into my body like a wave on the sharp rocks of the shore. My insides fall and break beyond repair. My soul shatters and eats into itself. I'm cancerous when I'm in love. I self destruct. I could throw myself against a wall again and again until there's nothing left of me. My body is heavy. I'm far too alive."

"1Feb10
People come and go. She's always left alone at one point or another. We are the only constants of our world. I reach out to her. She always looks at the ground. I never look at the ground."

"6Feb10
Oh just shut up. She doesn't wanna talk. Shut.the.fuck.up. Learn to shut up. "
-So how have you been, kid?
-Oh...swell...
-Hey!...
-Everything's such a fuck up.
-What'd you expect it to be?
-I...I don't know...I wish I could cut life sometimes. I wish I could let go of myself and just...run...
-Honey, what do you think I've been doing for so long? I only stopped to say hello. I'll be off.
-Yeah...See you round'...
-Don't count on it.
-You know I don't...Clau?
-Yeah, humming bird?
-D'you ever fall?
-Never.

Noisia

I still hate all those women who claimed they loved you. They don't know squat about loving you. They've never seen you try to jump off of a three story house or in a coma. They've never seen you in your dark place. Or crying. Or bleeding. Or black-eyed. Or delusional. Let's face it, they never knew you like I did.
Yet you seemed to linger, clutching onto their tiny clothes that barely covered a quarter of their body. You wanted to learn to love those women like they thought they loved you. Looking into their big, stupid dog eyes made you mellow. And you wanted to stay mellow for me.
Every time you call I listen for other women's voices. The silence confuses and worries me. Where are they? Are you never mellow these days? Are you going to stay in that dark place for ever?
I tap on the glass of my window and scare the crap out of my neighbor's dog. I know you can see the snow if I contemplate it long enough. Just look into the sun of every flake and go blind with me.
Darkness ceases to exist if we both go blind. The world will be shut out of our heads. Your hands, your lips, your hair, your scars...they can stay under my palm, on the line of my heart. They can cut into me and shred me and torture me. They can be the diamond growing in my head. But everything else is poison, I want to let it go. Poke my eyes out with your fingers, I beg you. I'm pretty sure another one will open in the middle of my forehead , forever following a cloud shaped like a rabbit. The moon bunny.
I want to wake up to the sound of violins, tell the voices to stop screaming and start taking lessons. You know mine only listen to you and yours only listen to me.

The great depression

I.

Azi am vazut un om mergand cu spatele

M-am gandit Iata

Mesia-i printre noi

Nu trebuie sa se surpe lumea

Si sa se deschida cerurile
El e aici

Pe mijlocul drumului

Inghetat de frig

De-ar fi sa ma spovedesc acum

I-as spune

"Ai intarzit, habar n-am de ce
Ai asteptat s-ajung o imbecila cinica."

*

II.

Intr-un timp eram eu insami mesia

Ma plimbam pe linia continua

Cu spatele la ceea ce va sa vina

*

III.

Asta inseamna sa-ti tragi palme

Sa mananci mai niciodata si sa

Porti acelasi pulovar 4 ani 

Pulovar pe care o sa-l numesti Patrocle

Si dupa care o sa plangi cand maica-ta

O sa-l arunce fara sa te-ntrebe

Asta inseamna sa fii trista
Nu ma ingana

*

IV.
Vreau ca cineva sa-mi spuna
De ce-mi pare rau pentru caini si copii
Dar nu pentru mine insami

*

V.

Sa te tarasti intr-o vagauna
Sa-i zgarii peretii in timp ce
Vocile din capul tau iti complimenteaza
Uniforma de liftier "sus , jos? sus, jos?"

*

VI.

Ma tem ca n-am vazut niciodata

Un bulgare din apă de la robinet
Spuneti-mi cum sa ma fac sa tac din gura
Am incercat hipnoza si bozul

*

VII.
Si-o sa-mi scot ochii daca asta inseamna
Ca florile mai pot trai umpic
Totul garoafelor 


*

VIII.
Nu stiu cand a devenit Nietzsche el insusi
Sau ce facea cand avea 17 ani (isi pregatea
doctoratul?), dar eu nu ma simt
Mai desteapta odata cu trecerea timpului
Si asta ma sperie ingrozitor.